Friday, January 1, 2010

retrospective: thank you, 2009

i started to write a 2009 retrospective but i found this first -
i did the hardest thing i've ever done today. i said goodbye and rode away. it will be an image forever burned in my mind. it was the most mature thing i've ever done. i fought out the desire to turn back around and cry out to you. i set aside my secret hopes of you taking me back. i rode away. our chapter together ended and i will be forever grateful for the time we spent together. you were "the one" when i needed you to be. now we both have our own mountains to climb - in separate cities many hours apart. i wish you luck and peace and happiness. i know we are done because when i saw you you seemed like a different person but i know what we had was beautiful because when you looked me in the eye it all came rushing back. i have nothing but love and respect in my heart for you. i feel so lucky that we were able to end in such a positive way. i want to thank you for everything and i look forward to a strong friendship in the days to come.
after i wrote this i piled my feelings under a mountain of work and other people. the moment i gave myself time to think about it i found a heart that was still a little broken and in need of maintenance. i've been quoted as saying that i'm 90% over it but realistically it's less than that. when the dust settled after finals i saw the value of taking care of oneself and the resulting damage of running away from oneself. how did i manage last semester? it feels like i was hardly there...

that chapter of our lives may be over but there's a big script for her in the next. you can't really ever walk away from the person who knows you better than everyone else in the world - nor do i want to do so. i saw her several times over winter break, each time more beautiful than the last. because of that relationship i know what love is and i will always feel love for her but just in different forms. she said it herself many months ago "i'm not done with you yet". you've never been more right.

that aside, many other mountains were scaled and moved in 2009. now, a list:
i...
saw the president i voted for come into office
raised my GPA and remained on the dean's list all year
picked and stuck with a major!
began my twenties
moved into my first real place with two close friends and two godkittens
got promoted to stage manager
completed an internship with a major art museum and an up and coming chamber music festival
built a bike, started playing polo and joined a bike gang
became the director of my university's LGBT resource center
made lots of kickin' friends
became friends with my parents
realized i live in a beautiful community and began to explore and utilize it
had the classiest new year's eve ever
onwards and upwards, i say! i woke up the happiest i've been in a long time on january first. let's keep the ball rollin'!

a blessed and inspired 2010 to you and yours!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

at it again

First things first - I got a bunch of new music this weekend and the "Dark Was the Night" compilation is my new favorite album. I've never liked Sufjan Stevens but his cover of "You Are the Blood" is simply epic. The piano solo half-way in packs half of the punch but I still can't get over how much I respect this song. The Bon Iver, My Brightest Diamond, and Feist/ Ben Gibbard tracks are similarly amazing - overall it's just a great album. Now I can stop listening to the Fleet Foxes 24/7...maybe. I've also been youtube-ing Bela Fleck and the Flecktones at work today and I just might go build a monument to Victor Wooten after I get off. How can any mortal be that talented!? Our answer may lie in his "Amazing Grace". Oh lordie, he could make a believer out of me.

So in my googling today at work, rather my checking my email at work, I saw the headline that D.C. is recognizing gay marriages performed outside the state! Wooo! To see that pass in the nation's capitol is very exciting, especially considering that there is a gay marriage bill for them in the works. As elated as I was, I am saddened to say that some people are already trying to strike it down. Listen here, folks - love does not destroy anyone and your Jesus could tell you that. It seems ironic to read the Bible with the same voice one uses to condemn their brethren. There is no scripture written condemning love between two people - gay or not. I don't understand how taking away rights from gays carries out God's wishes or protects His word. People have suppressed minorities since the beginning of time - one might think of the Egyptians and the Jews. This is not the rant it could be but I just want to publicly state that my faith in humanity and religion is diminished when a religious leader uses her or his power to cut down and takes away freedoms that this country was established to insure, equally, under protection of the law. I will be writing letters.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Oh, the life I lead in the summer

Summer time and the livin' is easy?

If inactivity is the name of the game... I said initially that i would blog about each day of my internship but four weeks mysteriously passed by without anything. It shouldn't be too difficult to sum up -

Week 1: The first day was kicked off with coffee, bagels, and optimism. We all gathered around the board room table to chit chat and hear from the intern supervisor. Our department supervisors came down a little later and mine were pretty exciting. They set me up at a corner desk - away from everyone else were I played around with my computer until we went out for lunch at TAP, an amazing "gastro pub" downtown Atlanta. Ruth, boss1, and I talked the whole walk over there and for most of lunch. She seemed really interested/ impressed with me and I was really impressed by her. After a pretty good portabello sandwich and some fries we returned to the office where I embarked on my primary task of list-making. The next day saw list-making and list-making alone. I barely talked to anyone and stayed at my desk all day. I tried desperately to text with my girlfriend all day for some human contact and assurance but the service in the building is laughable. Boss1 asked me how my day was and I blurted out "monotonous", exchanged a few more, less hostile, words and went home. Morale was way, way down and traffic was very, very bad. Day three saw improvement in social contact as I actually went to lunch. I think it was this day that I had lunch with a very over-whelming group of people that I ameliorated the next day by going to lunch earlier and eating with people that I had originally pinned as desired friends. Friday was a seminar day that saw a gallery tour of Folk Art and a lunch and learn with the Exhibitions Team. The lunch and learn was riveting! The tour was scheduled for after I was going to leave. It was really fascinating to how an exhibition goes from a checklist to an autocad diagram hanging the pictures on the walls. After that was list-making then getting on a plane to be at a wedding in Yonkers, NY with my dearest darling girl. Nice finish.

Week two - I believe I attended my first development team meeting on Monday of this week. I experienced the all-female team in full swing - trying to predict the size and sex of another department member's baby to be delivered the next day. Wow. In the morning of Tuesday (orWednesday?) of this week I attended a exhibition focus-group meeting with the development intern. It consisted of old rich men loudly stating opinions and waving their connections around; I would later realize that this practice is what keeps the art world moving. That evening I stayed to help my bosses schmooze donors with nicely made cucumber and hummus sandwichs and wine. My boss gave me the rest of the white wine as a nice gesture that I extended to my parents - much to their chagrin. The Thursday of that week I stayed to attend a talk on Japanese prints that was mildly interesting then listened in for a bit of the "Concerts on the Piazza" series that the Woodruff Arts Center had brilliantly pieced together and went home. Friday's seminar was with my department, development. Let's just say that no one was blown away. Two other interns and I did some shirking afterwards then return to make lists and then leave.

Week 3 - Development meeting Monday, mapping Atlanta art galleries throughout the week, running away early for the first (and definitely not last) time and music and a marionette troupe production of As I Lay Dying on Thursday. The play was comped for WAC employees which was the first benefit of this internship that I had seen. I got two free tickets and imported a friend to come see it with me as we had both studied it intensively in high school. The way the troupe, the Haverty Marionettes, combined music and audiovisual into a staged marionette show was unlike I had ever seen before. Seeing the creepiness of As I Lay Dying in play format definitely deepened my understanding of the book. It didn't hurt that the theatre, Hertz Stage, is literally underground! Way cool! Friday's seminar was of Photography so we had a guided tour of the Misrach "On the Beach" exhibit. Curator tours are way underrated. Our lunch and learn was with the Education department and it taught me that Museum Education is a job that can be obtained by not having an education degree. There is hope for me yet. There was a pizza party running concurrently in our depart so myself and the previously mentioned shirkers ate the leftovers for a very long time before returning to work.

Week 4 - I got permission to work from home on Tuesday and Thursday of this week because Boss1 was on vacation like much of the High staff. Monday had a meeting with Boss2 that soured at my mention of wanting more complex tasks. I suppose I need to be grateful for my googling tasks? It was a weird turn and other things happened that day to make the day weird. Tuesday was a welcome break from the office scene and I actually stuck to working 9-5, getting a whole project done in one day. Efficiency boost! Wednesday was completely unproductive because it was a seminar day, a personal economic freak-out day, and a day that saw a long Starbucks break towards the end of the day. I ran away early. Thursday at home was amazing because I spent the morning helping my mom with Bible School at their newest "maybe" church. I returned home after mailing a package to my baby, buying sandpaper, and received an email giving me the rest of the day off. Friday was a holiday so I went hiking with a friend from work. It feels great to have week 4 over with because it brings me that much closer to being back with my favorite cuddler.

So that's my illustrious internship experience so far. When I return to work on Monday I'm going to try to calibrate my attitude to be more focused on doing a great job with the projects I'm given and using the in between time to do personal work instead of personal web searching. I have my sights set on the National Undergraduate Research Conference this year so it's not like I have nothing to do. I actually have a meeting with the African Art curator at the High on Wednesday. Perk No. 2. I also have a meeting Tuesday with the government and foundations person in the department to discuss grant-writing. Perk No.3. Not bad for paying about $30/ week in transportation for this gig... I'm hoping to help out my old boss from the kids shoe store for his back to school rush. Income would be greatly appreciated. I am doing some things for my parents that are bringing in a good amount of money but it's still not where I would like to be. I'm starting to understand the feeling of hopelessness that comes with unemployment; but at the same thing, I'm taking it in good faith that whenever everything is about to fall apart something will come through. Good vibes, please.

Work aside, summer in Georgia is not as bad as it has been in years past. My parents and I haven't declared war yet and my mother has even warmed up to talking about gay things with me. It's so amazing to be able to share my most treasured relationship instead of having to hide it. Good things come to those who wait. I still feel that I'm missing a part of my usual happiness equation and I'm trying to figure out how to fix it. I'm amping up the reading and exercise but it might be as simple as lack of alone time, lack of mobility (I dislike driving and to bike is to be killed by a soccer mom), and lack of the one I hold most dear. Skype helps but it isn't configured for hugs. Can someone get on that please? While I have this beautiful "I want to be alone because I hate 4th of July" time I may go pull out the old viola and waste some time.

And away!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Thursday, January 22, 2009

peace and quiet

i started an entry here yesterday but it was too raw to cast out into the web. i packed up my bags and returned to livejournal to write it. i will probably use that from now on for more personal entries. specifically, ones sorting through personal pain and confusion. it's nice to have a writing space that is only read by former best friends.

currently sitting in the fine arts lab before orchestra. there is only a handful of people around and no one is saying anything. i haven't experienced such a beautiful silence as this in a very long time. it's nice, but just shy of a catharsis i so desperately need right now. if it were a few degrees warmer i would fix my bike tires and set out on a ride. i would love to take myself far away from here right now - if just for a few hours. so much commotion with classes and life. as long as i can hang on until next saturday, and if the trip actually happens, i will get my break in the form of a uk art department sponsored trip to the cincinnati art museum. be still, my beating heart. prayers to the gods of contemporary (and renaissance!) art to make it happen.

as for what lies beneath, i have been invaded by uncertainty. hopefully i'll figure it out soon because it's not something i like feeling.

my contemporary art professor introduced us to the band destroyer the other day. you should check them out. 

Monday, December 22, 2008

while you were sleeping, the time changed

oy, marietta...

i've been here for a weekend and am ready to back through the airport run around to get back home. yes, home. lexington is home for me now. marietta is not and i can't say that it ever has been. sure, it's nice to revisit people and places from my past but they are just that -in my past. i've been told to stop whining and enjoy this or leave and i'm hoping it can be the latter. i'm planning on talking to my mother today about going to family counseling or at least just talking. i guess i'll make plans based on that conversation and the ones that follow. also, i'm having scary memories of this summer of sleeping all the time and not wanting to do anything. marietta, you're a jerk.

il devo was on regis and kelly this morning mascaraing jeff buckley's "hallelujah". i immediately had to look it up on youtube to wash it from my memory and subsequently remembering just how much i love him and his song "last goodbye". and now onto my new love - elvis perkins. check that shit out, yo. (it's on my last post - so easy!)

no new year's plans yet - merely speculation. tonight i'm going to a winter solstice crystal bowl choir event that i'm very excited about. last night was a Hanukkah party - too much fun!

practice time.

Friday, December 19, 2008