retrospective: thank you, 2009

i started to write a 2009 retrospective but i found this first -

i did the hardest thing i've ever done today. i said goodbye and rode away. it will be an image forever burned in my mind. it was the most mature thing i've ever done. i fought out the desire to turn back around and cry out to you. i set aside my secret hopes of you taking me back. i rode away. our chapter together ended and i will be forever grateful for the time we spent together. you were "the one" when i needed you to be. now we both have our own mountains to climb - in separate cities many hours apart. i wish you luck and peace and happiness. i know we are done because when i saw you you seemed like a different person but i know what we had was beautiful because when you looked me in the eye it all came rushing back. i have nothing but love and respect in my heart for you. i feel so lucky that we were able to end in such a positive way. i want to thank you for everything and i look forward to a strong friendship in the days to come.

after i wrote this i piled my feelings under a mountain of work and other people. the moment i gave myself time to think about it i found a heart that was still a little broken and in need of maintenance. i've been quoted as saying that i'm 90% over it but realistically it's less than that. when the dust settled after finals i saw the value of taking care of oneself and the resulting damage of running away from oneself. how did i manage last semester? it feels like i was hardly there...

that chapter of our lives may be over but there's a big script for her in the next. you can't really ever walk away from the person who knows you better than everyone else in the world - nor do i want to do so. i saw her several times over winter break, each time more beautiful than the last. because of that relationship i know what love is and i will always feel love for her but just in different forms. she said it herself many months ago "i'm not done with you yet". you've never been more right.

that aside, many other mountains were scaled and moved in 2009. now, a list:
i...

saw the president i voted for come into office
raised my GPA and remained on the dean's list all year
picked and stuck with a major!
began my twenties
moved into my first real place with two close friends and two godkittens
got promoted to stage manager
completed an internship with a major art museum and an up and coming chamber music festival
built a bike, started playing polo and joined a bike gang
became the director of my university's LGBT resource center
made lots of kickin' friends
became friends with my parents
realized i live in a beautiful community and began to explore and utilize it
had the classiest new year's eve ever

onwards and upwards, i say! i woke up the happiest i've been in a long time on january first. let's keep the ball rollin'!

a blessed and inspired 2010 to you and yours!

at it again

First things first - I got a bunch of new music this weekend and the "Dark Was the Night" compilation is my new favorite album. I've never liked Sufjan Stevens but his cover of "You Are the Blood" is simply epic. The piano solo half-way in packs half of the punch but I still can't get over how much I respect this song. The Bon Iver, My Brightest Diamond, and Feist/ Ben Gibbard tracks are similarly amazing - overall it's just a great album. Now I can stop listening to the Fleet Foxes 24/7...maybe. I've also been youtube-ing Bela Fleck and the Flecktones at work today and I just might go build a monument to Victor Wooten after I get off. How can any mortal be that talented!? Our answer may lie in his "Amazing Grace". Oh lordie, he could make a believer out of me.

So in my googling today at work, rather my checking my email at work, I saw the headline that D.C. is recognizing gay marriages performed outside the state! Wooo! To see that pass in the nation's capitol is very exciting, especially considering that there is a gay marriage bill for them in the works. As elated as I was, I am saddened to say that some people are already trying to strike it down. Listen here, folks - love does not destroy anyone and your Jesus could tell you that. It seems ironic to read the Bible with the same voice one uses to condemn their brethren. There is no scripture written condemning love between two people - gay or not. I don't understand how taking away rights from gays carries out God's wishes or protects His word. People have suppressed minorities since the beginning of time - one might think of the Egyptians and the Jews. This is not the rant it could be but I just want to publicly state that my faith in humanity and religion is diminished when a religious leader uses her or his power to cut down and takes away freedoms that this country was established to insure, equally, under protection of the law. I will be writing letters.

Oh, the life I lead in the summer

Summer time and the livin' is easy?

If inactivity is the name of the game... I said initially that i would blog about each day of my internship but four weeks mysteriously passed by without anything. It shouldn't be too difficult to sum up -

Week 1: The first day was kicked off with coffee, bagels, and optimism. We all gathered around the board room table to chit chat and hear from the intern supervisor. Our department supervisors came down a little later and mine were pretty exciting. They set me up at a corner desk - away from everyone else were I played around with my computer until we went out for lunch at TAP, an amazing "gastro pub" downtown Atlanta. Ruth, boss1, and I talked the whole walk over there and for most of lunch. She seemed really interested/ impressed with me and I was really impressed by her. After a pretty good portabello sandwich and some fries we returned to the office where I embarked on my primary task of list-making. The next day saw list-making and list-making alone. I barely talked to anyone and stayed at my desk all day. I tried desperately to text with my girlfriend all day for some human contact and assurance but the service in the building is laughable. Boss1 asked me how my day was and I blurted out "monotonous", exchanged a few more, less hostile, words and went home. Morale was way, way down and traffic was very, very bad. Day three saw improvement in social contact as I actually went to lunch. I think it was this day that I had lunch with a very over-whelming group of people that I ameliorated the next day by going to lunch earlier and eating with people that I had originally pinned as desired friends. Friday was a seminar day that saw a gallery tour of Folk Art and a lunch and learn with the Exhibitions Team. The lunch and learn was riveting! The tour was scheduled for after I was going to leave. It was really fascinating to how an exhibition goes from a checklist to an autocad diagram hanging the pictures on the walls. After that was list-making then getting on a plane to be at a wedding in Yonkers, NY with my dearest darling girl. Nice finish.

Week two - I believe I attended my first development team meeting on Monday of this week. I experienced the all-female team in full swing - trying to predict the size and sex of another department member's baby to be delivered the next day. Wow. In the morning of Tuesday (orWednesday?) of this week I attended a exhibition focus-group meeting with the development intern. It consisted of old rich men loudly stating opinions and waving their connections around; I would later realize that this practice is what keeps the art world moving. That evening I stayed to help my bosses schmooze donors with nicely made cucumber and hummus sandwichs and wine. My boss gave me the rest of the white wine as a nice gesture that I extended to my parents - much to their chagrin. The Thursday of that week I stayed to attend a talk on Japanese prints that was mildly interesting then listened in for a bit of the "Concerts on the Piazza" series that the Woodruff Arts Center had brilliantly pieced together and went home. Friday's seminar was with my department, development. Let's just say that no one was blown away. Two other interns and I did some shirking afterwards then return to make lists and then leave.

Week 3 - Development meeting Monday, mapping Atlanta art galleries throughout the week, running away early for the first (and definitely not last) time and music and a marionette troupe production of As I Lay Dying on Thursday. The play was comped for WAC employees which was the first benefit of this internship that I had seen. I got two free tickets and imported a friend to come see it with me as we had both studied it intensively in high school. The way the troupe, the Haverty Marionettes, combined music and audiovisual into a staged marionette show was unlike I had ever seen before. Seeing the creepiness of As I Lay Dying in play format definitely deepened my understanding of the book. It didn't hurt that the theatre, Hertz Stage, is literally underground! Way cool! Friday's seminar was of Photography so we had a guided tour of the Misrach "On the Beach" exhibit. Curator tours are way underrated. Our lunch and learn was with the Education department and it taught me that Museum Education is a job that can be obtained by not having an education degree. There is hope for me yet. There was a pizza party running concurrently in our depart so myself and the previously mentioned shirkers ate the leftovers for a very long time before returning to work.

Week 4 - I got permission to work from home on Tuesday and Thursday of this week because Boss1 was on vacation like much of the High staff. Monday had a meeting with Boss2 that soured at my mention of wanting more complex tasks. I suppose I need to be grateful for my googling tasks? It was a weird turn and other things happened that day to make the day weird. Tuesday was a welcome break from the office scene and I actually stuck to working 9-5, getting a whole project done in one day. Efficiency boost! Wednesday was completely unproductive because it was a seminar day, a personal economic freak-out day, and a day that saw a long Starbucks break towards the end of the day. I ran away early. Thursday at home was amazing because I spent the morning helping my mom with Bible School at their newest "maybe" church. I returned home after mailing a package to my baby, buying sandpaper, and received an email giving me the rest of the day off. Friday was a holiday so I went hiking with a friend from work. It feels great to have week 4 over with because it brings me that much closer to being back with my favorite cuddler.

So that's my illustrious internship experience so far. When I return to work on Monday I'm going to try to calibrate my attitude to be more focused on doing a great job with the projects I'm given and using the in between time to do personal work instead of personal web searching. I have my sights set on the National Undergraduate Research Conference this year so it's not like I have nothing to do. I actually have a meeting with the African Art curator at the High on Wednesday. Perk No. 2. I also have a meeting Tuesday with the government and foundations person in the department to discuss grant-writing. Perk No.3. Not bad for paying about $30/ week in transportation for this gig... I'm hoping to help out my old boss from the kids shoe store for his back to school rush. Income would be greatly appreciated. I am doing some things for my parents that are bringing in a good amount of money but it's still not where I would like to be. I'm starting to understand the feeling of hopelessness that comes with unemployment; but at the same thing, I'm taking it in good faith that whenever everything is about to fall apart something will come through. Good vibes, please.

Work aside, summer in Georgia is not as bad as it has been in years past. My parents and I haven't declared war yet and my mother has even warmed up to talking about gay things with me. It's so amazing to be able to share my most treasured relationship instead of having to hide it. Good things come to those who wait. I still feel that I'm missing a part of my usual happiness equation and I'm trying to figure out how to fix it. I'm amping up the reading and exercise but it might be as simple as lack of alone time, lack of mobility (I dislike driving and to bike is to be killed by a soccer mom), and lack of the one I hold most dear. Skype helps but it isn't configured for hugs. Can someone get on that please? While I have this beautiful "I want to be alone because I hate 4th of July" time I may go pull out the old viola and waste some time.

And away!

Passover!

peace and quiet

i started an entry here yesterday but it was too raw to cast out into the web. i packed up my bags and returned to livejournal to write it. i will probably use that from now on for more personal entries. specifically, ones sorting through personal pain and confusion. it's nice to have a writing space that is only read by former best friends.

currently sitting in the fine arts lab before orchestra. there is only a handful of people around and no one is saying anything. i haven't experienced such a beautiful silence as this in a very long time. it's nice, but just shy of a catharsis i so desperately need right now. if it were a few degrees warmer i would fix my bike tires and set out on a ride. i would love to take myself far away from here right now - if just for a few hours. so much commotion with classes and life. as long as i can hang on until next saturday, and if the trip actually happens, i will get my break in the form of a uk art department sponsored trip to the cincinnati art museum. be still, my beating heart. prayers to the gods of contemporary (and renaissance!) art to make it happen.

as for what lies beneath, i have been invaded by uncertainty. hopefully i'll figure it out soon because it's not something i like feeling.

my contemporary art professor introduced us to the band destroyer the other day. you should check them out. 

while you were sleeping, the time changed

oy, marietta...

i've been here for a weekend and am ready to back through the airport run around to get back home. yes, home. lexington is home for me now. marietta is not and i can't say that it ever has been. sure, it's nice to revisit people and places from my past but they are just that -in my past. i've been told to stop whining and enjoy this or leave and i'm hoping it can be the latter. i'm planning on talking to my mother today about going to family counseling or at least just talking. i guess i'll make plans based on that conversation and the ones that follow. also, i'm having scary memories of this summer of sleeping all the time and not wanting to do anything. marietta, you're a jerk.

il devo was on regis and kelly this morning mascaraing jeff buckley's "hallelujah". i immediately had to look it up on youtube to wash it from my memory and subsequently remembering just how much i love him and his song "last goodbye". and now onto my new love - elvis perkins. check that shit out, yo. (it's on my last post - so easy!)

no new year's plans yet - merely speculation. tonight i'm going to a winter solstice crystal bowl choir event that i'm very excited about. last night was a Hanukkah party - too much fun!

practice time.

Discover Elvis Perkins!

Discover Elvis Perkins!

with my eyes on the prize and my mind on you

sweet jesus, it's finally thanksgiving break. the past couple of weeks have been a bit rough and break is not going to be a week of slacking but at least it will be nice to loosen the belt a little bit (though hopefully not literally necessary post-thanksgiving). i'm super excited to be in cincinnati for the actual holiday and the next day and a few hours. i wonder if there is a thanksgiving day parade like there is in atlanta?

i'm rediscovering just how much i appreciate the "post war" album by m. ward. i have a few favorite songs in it and in the context of the album as a whole i like them even more. it has a few relaxed feel and subsequent relaxing properties. thanks, m. ward.

my hair is finally long enough to put behind my ears and i'm even dreaming of having my wash and wear hippie hair back again. cutting my hair was done as a statement and i like it short- there's just something enticing about having my long beautiful hair back. we'll see.

after my viola professor had a meeting and went grocery shopping, my lesson commenced today just about an hour behind schedule (and no big deal...askjdhasldhkash). as nit-picky as it was, it was fairly inspiring and we even entertained the thought of me giving a recital in the spring. it wouldn't be a bad idea as i'll already have things worked up from summer program recordings/auditions. maybe just before spring break? i'm starting to realize that my professor can be a brilliant teacher when you want her to be. the time it took to figure how to get what i needed in my lessons was quite frustrating but now that i know what questions to ask i'm learning a lot and very quickly. really, we're changing the way i approach practicing and being very VERY empirical about it. practice just this one shift, play that phrase on open strings, imagine the phrase in your head before you play - did it sound like you had imagined? why not? can you feel the weight and energy coming from your arm and into the bow? okay, now play. things are becoming very heady and that makes me very happy.

happy (belated) birthday shout-out to my "bestie" lauren. the consequent party was quite lively and very fun. i bonded with my favorite vegan over shamu wine and our shared love of the chilled out life. "no no, sacrilege is like anyone but jim morrison trying to play 'the end'." he's a riot, that one. i unfortunately awoke this morning to be smacked in the face with my actions from last night. i definitely should have gone home instead of sweet talking my way into girlfriend's apartment. not that anything went down, it just should have been respective space time and i violated it. reason not to drink so much cheap wine number 1103.

time for practice. i finally rescued my quartz crystal from my apartment so hopefully this practice will see insight and clarity. if it's productive, i'll get to make a pie tonight!

happy turkey day, all.

exercizo en extended metaphor

there are still patches of land still singed from the slashing and burning. what seems like a raped and abandoned field is really an expanse of land ripe for opportunity. it is ready to be sown again, the last crop readily fading from memory. one small seed pod landed in the far corner of the land at the beginning of the season and others covered the ground only weeks later. as they began to take root, the soil enriched and the drought even seemed to subside. as days passed, seedings began to emerge and in the blink of an eye the plants began to come into their own. the pages fell off the calendar of october, november, and suddenly the onset of winter brought a great change. the farmers began to pull up some of the plants and the land cried out at the loss. the soil began to quickly dry out and the roots started showing in the remaining plants. the farmers took notice and began to spray the lands with water. some of the plants strengthened and more were planted. perhaps, the lands will prosper again.

winter is a powerful force. the cold desolation can bring the strongest to their knees. what once was so sure can be called into question with the coming of the howling winds and the softly falling snow. fall softly snow, remind me of the warm autumn glow and prepare me for what lies ahead. i am ready, but i cannot do it on my own.

check it outtttttt - school newspaper mention!

More than 150 attend Proposition 8 protest

November 15, 2008 by Jill Laster

Barbara Cox said she was thrilled to have her union with her partner recognized by California after being together 18 years.

When a California state ballot proposition amending the state Constitution to define marriage as a union between a man and a woman was passed, however, she felt robbed.

“To wake up Wednesday morning (Nov. 5) and find out our marriage was no longer valid was devastating,” said Cox, a San Diego resident visiting family in Lexington.

Cox was one of more than 150 people to participate in a protest in front of the Lexington-Fayette Urban County Government Center Saturday. On Saturday, protestors held signs and chanted in opposition to Proposition 8. Proposition 8, approved by voters Nov. 4, overrode a May decision by the California Supreme Court recognizing the legality of same-sex marriage.

The protest in Lexington, along with those across the country, made Cox feel that someday her union will be recognized, she said.

“The change is going to take a long time, but this kind of stuff feels wonderful,” Cox said. “We felt so much loss, but to see so much support against discrimination gives me hope again.”

Chris Stapel, a UK graduate student who helped organize the Lexington event, said Saturday’s protest was a grassroots effort that gained support through social networking Web sites such as Facebook.

Holding a sign and cheering when drivers of passing cars honked their horns, Stapel said Proposition 8 motivated people across the country to stand up for the rights of gay people.

“It’s pretty exciting,” Stapel said. “It’s just a testament to people all over Lexington.”

Members of UK’s Gay-Straight Alliance, as well as members of EKU’s and Transylvania’s student pride organizations, participated in Saturday’s protest. Sarah Caragianis, president of the UK GSA, said being straight did not stop her from joining in.

“We’re all equal, and I think it’s just as important for everyone to see and understand and fight against injustice,” she said. “The civil rights movement wasn’t just black people. We’re all in this together.”

After about 45 minutes in front of the Lexington-Fayette Urban County Government Center, protestors walked down the street to Phoenix Park, in front of the Lexington Public Library downtown. In Phoenix Park, several people stood up to address the crowd.

Melissa Gross, an arts administration and viola performance sophomore, encouraged those listening to her speak to put pressure on the government to recognize the right of all citizens to marry.

“Let us stand up for what we believe in, for what we know is ours,” Gross said. “Love cannot be bound to statues and limited by government regulations. We are united for a common purpose. We are united for marriage equality. We are united for love.”

http://kykernel.com/2008/11/15/more-than-150-attend-proposition-8-protest/#more-8204

we will overcome

when i started this blog entry a few days ago, my only relationship with proposition 8 was that i am a lesbian american who could chalk up the passing of the bill as yet another right lost for not fitting into the heteronormative society that some people try so hard to legislate into existence. now, only a few days later, i am writing emails to lexington officals asking for them to come out to a nationwide protest who's lexington event i am helping organize. in response to an "i can help" email i sent i have been asked to make posters, help publicize, lead chants and potentially even speak. my life is nuts.

i will now use this post i was writing as the platform of my potential speech as it is better to be prepared, thank you [mormon] boy scouts.


Melissa Gross
Protest Against the Passing of Proposition 8
Lexington, KY
2:15 (ish) pm


United for Love

As a young girl I spent more time practicing to become a stunt double than dreaming about my wedding. That's not to say it didn't cross my mind a time or twelve and I know plenty of men and women who have dedicated countless daydreams to that special day. On November 4th this year, three states in this great country of ours voted to take those dreams away from the GLBTQ community. People are gathered on the steps of city halls across the nation today to to tell America that we want our dreams back.

Equal rights are civil rights and we cannot sit by while the government tries to marginalize them. Californians, Arizonans, and Floridians lost the equal right to marry this year. Citizens of Arkansas may now only adopt children if they are in a legally recognized marriage. Men and women in domestic partnerships and civil unions are still denied the 1,138 afforded to men and women in federally recognized marriages. Some of these rights being denied are survivor benefits, hospital visitation, tax exemptions, and domestic violence intervention. You and I both know that this is not acceptable. Seeing our rights in shambles like this, we know that things need to change.

This year the outcome of the presidential election signaled a change in the tide of American politics though, that day, the tide washed over GLBTQ Americans and left us in the wake of approved constitutional amendments and pieces of legislature in 4 different states. It is in protest of proposition 8, the amendment passed in California restricting marriage to one man and one woman that has us here today. The passing of proposition 8 came as a surprise and it's narrow victory makes the loss hurt that much worse. People have become quick to assign blame to make the hurt easier but we must succumb to such pettiness. It is no more the fault of a single religious institution than it is mine for not being more active in the fight when it counted the most. Through grassroots efforts and personal political responsibility we can respond to these set back s in a way that will have our voices heard.

We must not lose hope. The passing of Proposition 8 has mobilized more activists than the Yes on 8 campaign could have ever imagined. We have seen a terrible thing pass through ballot boxes and into law and we know now how important our own political involvement can be. I watched my political efficacy get results when the man I voted for this year accepted the American presidency. I only wish I had been able to cast my vote against proposition 8. People have turned out in great numbers since the votes were tallied in protests across the united states and today we are uniting ourselves in protest to tell the people that equality is an American value - that the right to a loving marriage cannot be limited by sex and that, as the Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr. once said “injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” Hope for our future will take office this January but more importantly it lies in each and everyone of us. We are the UNITED States of America. We can bring the change that people are trying so hard to prevent if we believe in ourselves and the power of dissent.

Roger Baldwin, the founder of the ACLU, once said that “Silence never won rights. They are not handed down from above; they are forced by pressures from below.” Let us lift our voices and cause that pressure. When 18,000 couples have to question the validity of their marriages in California we must speak out. When our brothers and sisters in Arkansas are banned from adopting children because they are not in legally recognized marriages we must cry out. When a man or a woman cannot visit his or her partner in the hospital, when we're still fighting a battle for acceptance that we've been fighting for the past 100 years, when love is no longer enough to join in the bonds of marriage – WE MUST FIGHT ON.

For, We ARE the People of the United States, and in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, we DID ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. Equality is an American value. It is an inalienable right. Let us stand up for what we believe in, for what we know is ours. Love cannot be bound to statues and limited by government regulations. We are united for a common purpose. We are united for marriage equality. We are united for love.

life outside the box

as always, sitting here writing this post i am no longer the person i was yesterday. i am changed, this time for the better, and by the strangest thing. i attended a new music concert last night to give moral support to friends" subjected" to playing one of its' pieces, to fulfill recital attendance requirements, and to have more writing material (the true reason why i do anything in life?). however, i accomplished all these things and more. my mind started spinning after the first electronic music and visual display. it was called the chase. its' cacophony of rhythms and textures spellbound me. me, who detests new music? i almost had to laugh of the irony of it all. once my mind stopped spinning it just ran off with thoughts like how i need to be more marketable in a changing musical era or how i should try to bring a more perfect synthesis of visual art and music performance to the world's ears. the ideas entertained ranged from highly possible to completely absurd. though really, what was accomplished last night was the realization that i am living inside of a box. i have a neat little life where i study, practice, and bake cookies with my girlfriend. i am not taking risks. i am not putting myself out there. and more importantly, i am doing nothing for society at large. i am existing and using precious air - feeding my mind with knowledge when i need to start thinking about feeding yours.

at the dawn of this new socio-political era there are many more concerns to address than self-betterment and stasis. we need to focus on protecting the environment, helping the people, salvaging the economy and more. or maybe we really just need to focus. i thought i had a focus but i am realizing it's not dynamic enough. i need for my art to transcend my space and infiltrate yours. as artists we need to see and be seen, to bring about change by changing ourselves. there is more to life than formulaic degree tracks and practice routines.

consider this my annunciation for a beautiful sunrise, a charge for greatness, for change for the better, for a more brilliant tomorrow, and a epic today.

for how can i reach you when i can only see myself? let's bring down the walls and paint the rubble with a story. let's fill their hearts with song and their bodies with movement.

to freedom
to efficacy
to bravery
to artistry
to raw passion
to a new and better art

cancelled class and historic elections

yesterday i freaked out because i didn't plan my day well enough to have time to see the film required for class. today class was canceled. my professor canceled class on friday too. i hope he's okay. at any rate, this allows me to have a few minutes to decompress before practicing and studying for my art history quiz tonight.

i will need more than a few minutes to decompress before and after practicing. try hours? i'm wading back into the depths of another viola crisis. at least it's a familiar bog. the monsters know me here, though are probably quite sick of my whining. they can join the club. how many times have i held my viola and wondered why? music is such a huge part of my life that to make any final decision about playing would absolutely tear apart my identity. so i am afraid. there we go.

i've been oddly emotional lately and i can't put my finger on a reason. i spent a considerable amount of time crying yesterday for seemingly no reason at all. maybe i was stressed about viola? election day? baking cookies? who knows....i don't.. and that concerns me. and perhaps what is worse is that i am worried about how it's making my significant other feel. i just want it to be my problem.

but really people

BARACK OBAMA IS PRESIDENT ELECT
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

sad news, proposition 8 succeeded. and michael crichton died. sadness. and arkansas passed some weird bill on keeping unmarried people(read: gays) from adopting kids. because love makes one unfit for parenthood....right.



but to keep things in perspective-

President Obama. fuck yes.

triple word score

sitting in the library once again searching for a movie's plot summary to make up for not having done work this weekend. why do i procrastinate like i do?

OH

BECAUSE I GOT TO SEE OBAMA SPEAK LAST NIGHT (instead of doing work)

my professor should understand. after all, he cancelled class on me last friday. ha!

film essay found, i would like to take a moment to wax patriotic. not since i sat at my fisher-price play table at the age of two and waved around a small american flag shouting "happy birthday, america" to the amusement of my parents have i felt any sort of ownership or pride for my country. i have lived through two terms of the bush regime, two beautiful terms of the clinton administration and most of one term of bush 41. i appreciated the clinton administration. i defended him as a fourth-grader during his sex scandal and intended to vote for his wife this coming election, but i have never gazed into the stars and stripes and felt genuinely proud to be an american. i did last night. yesterday's road-trip to cincinnati was concluded with a surprising bang when we got to see barack obama speak at the university of cincinnati football stadium. our attendance was a last minute arrangement that led us to stand in a line for over two hours and then make it through security to stand around on a football field for a few more hours. we were surrounded by people of all walks of life - including an adorable older man who gave his obama sign to me while my girlfriend held the camera so i "would have something to do". people filled a large portion of the stadium. shades of blue washed the crowd (that often broke out into a wave). some fans even brought giant foamboard letters that spelled "ohio 4 obama" (and occasionally "oh io 4o bama" :). after a few false alarms, the man himself appeared in front of the podium and the crowds went wild. i know i did. even if his face was bigger on the televised debates, he was only a stone's throw away from me. unreal. his speech was the best i've heard yet. though some of it seemed a little bit dreamy (obama: pro-hope, also pro-dreams) i could pump my fists in the air and cheer in agreement to most everything that left his lips. towards the end, he picked up a momentum that had me hanging on his every word. when he talked about hope, per usual, he spoke about people having hope for their future generations even when they don't have hope for themselves. and though slightly unexpectedly, he had me. i almost started crying as he wrapped up his speech in a glorious finish. i hugged my girlfriend tightly as we watched a candidate that does provide the most hope i've ever seen in a politician. you already had my vote, barack, but now you might just have my heart.

all the while the good lord smiles and looks the other way

it's five o'clock in lexington, kentucky.

i'm an ADD mess and trying to read a chapter out of my public speaking book. that is why it's five o'clock - other than actually being five o'clock.

tonight's road trip was postponed due to too much fun last night. as halloween is the ultimate college holiday, it makes sense that productivity would be marginalized the following day. i must say, i'm still surprised at the lack of halloween chutzpah here. halloween at IU lasts a whole week! at any rate, the parties were great. starting first with a just-the-two-of-us dinner/halloween party, then to party A, B, and C before calling it a morning around 3a.m. party A started out with eating and drinking while the host we were interested in was preoccupied with applying make-up to one of our friends. eventually, they finished and there was hookah smoking (where i was hit on by awkward chick) and socializing. then when we had our fill of type A merryment we rolled out to party B. party B was awesome! lots of sex on the beach and good company to be had. i love costume parties with intelligent people. no vampires, but iPod commericals, opera characters, Borat, and a StarTrekkie. good times were had by all, even by Sarah Palin. you betcha. party C was the last stop of the night and played host to good conversations and quality people watching opportunities. i left after almost falling asleep and walked back home with a friend. being janet reno for halloween was all kinds of fun. strange that people managed to find me atractive in that terrible liz claiborne dress and oversized glasses, maybe it was the alcohol.

tomorrow will see an early-morning road-trip to 'nati to have bows rehaired and to do lunch/dinner with my dear then TO SEE OBAMA! apparently, on this last weekend before the biggest election in the history of ever, obama decided to speak at the university of cincinnati on the same weekend my people decided to be there. AMAZING. we'll get back in town super late sunday night which manadates a high(er) level of productivity today. but WE GET TO SEE OBAMA. WIN.

can you spare a moment for zen?

my friends, fall is in the air. it intoxicates us with the kaleidoscope of colors that drip from the trees and teases us cool breeze that blows at our backs. also, for some reason, there is an overwhelming feeling of stress.

everywhere

so can you spare a moment for zen? take sixty seconds to focus on one thing or nothing at all? let your mind unravel into the fall landscape? it has been said that a landscape is a state of mind, you know. or maybe just stop- and breathe.

i can feel the tension in my chest and i can see the worry in my friends' eyes. i wish we could pause and jump in the nearest pile of leaves. watch them soar upon impact and send our worries with them.

so why not? i will.

it's fall, my friends. can you spare a moment for zen?

But with me and you it just started quietly and grew And believe it or not Now there's something groovy and good 'bout whatever we got

opera is over - a bittersweet sentiment. as much as i liked my time being consumed by three hour rehearsals every weekend, i'm going to miss hearing the beautiful strains of music constantly floating through my head.

or libretto- Chi e la? Amici! (i think "chi e la" is in every italian libretto...ever)

the parental visit started out fine then crashed and burned. the farmer's market was fine but kroger afterwards turned into a disaster. i asked to be able to spend a bit more with them there and they said yes, the thirty dollars over later the gig is up and they'll be taking it out of the next two weeks of grocery money. lunch was fine though a usual level of awkward with, retrospectively, my father not really talking to/looking at me. maybe i shouldn't have looked so gay? dinner with the friends went well. my parents were shockingly charming. i was afraid it was going to be a bond over cincinnati talk with the cincinnati native i share my heart with, but upon leah's arrival it became "let's talk about food texture" and lastest most of dinner. after the opera they forgot to pick us up and left. in the morning they took me to breakfast almost exclusively to chide me for having "overnight guests".

"we told you not to have overnight guests. you don't have to do a lot to have us pay for college. you said you wouldn't and you did..."blah blah blah. as they were so excited to have robert (gay ex-boyfriend) come stay with me, i'm feeling this policy exclusively refers to women that i am seeing. should i just move in somewhere else then? i kind of already did... :)

cat sitting and housing watching for the fore mentioned saldy person until she returns from the impromptu inter-state flight of the week. tonight will be the first time i've slept by myself in about a month. wow. it was weird to have my blissful life be interrupted so violently by this weekend. i was filled with familiar feelings of resentment, anger and helplessness. the best part of it was free food and a shoulder to cry on. i guess it was good for perspective's sake because now i can more fully appreciate how "groovy and good" what we have is. there are occasionally words on my tongue that i'm not ready for. knee-jerk reaction or authenticity?

exam i'm not ready for at one. hereeeeeeeee we go.

joan's "girls say yes to boys who say no" for the modern woman

"overdone sexual politics" says slate.com. maybe. i think it's just fun. in fact, i would change my profile picture to this if i didn't already mislead the poor male species enough. i feel like my persona screams "on the other team" but people still get confused. should i wear a rainbow flag cape to combat this misunderstanding? or maybe just become a bit more aware of the impact of my forwardness. "hey, let's go get lunch" or "hey, can i have your number? we can hit up shows!" my obliviousness usually hits full capacity when i'm on the receiving end.

for example: this summer while at work-
boy: "hey, i'm playing a show. you should totally come check it out."
me: "dude i love shows! totally! when is it?"
boy: "this weekend. can i, uh, get your number?"
me: "sure, man. give me a call sometime."

oy.

i leave shortly afterwards and then realize that i have just been hit on by mr. suave. it's a good thing that's not something i need to be aware of anymore or i would be single for a loooooong time.

real-time update: this time, mixed signals combated by -
me: "yeah here's the comp ticket i got for you. i hit them up for another ticket while i was there so no problem."
boy: "for what?"
me: "lpo. my girlfriend's in it."

ha-ta-cha. and done.


with my first informational speech and accounting exam 3 under my belt i can begin to ease into a weekend of relaxation...right? no, more exams to study for, more speeches to start thinking about, practicing to be done, operas to play, and parents to entertain...what? parents to entertain? when were they in my life? i'm really on edge about them coming here. it's as if i have constructed this life for myself here that really doesn't have a niche for them and now that world is being stressed by the advent of their presence. they're not bad people; they just cause tension. i told my dad about my plans for dinner with them and my friends and he immediately says, as if it were an unreasonable proposition, "whoa whoa wait. you're not even going to ask us?" my mom had been informed but failed to relay the message. the thing i'm most concerned about, i guess, is them going off on some "why we don't want you to date women" rant. during our conversation last night they asked if i wanted them to bring up my comforter and i said i got mine from school back because my ex, alize, came down to visit. all they could manage was an "oh" and then an abrupt transition into the next topic. last face-to-face encounter's "we don't want you to...do that anymore" was more than necessary. i've had enough - really.

until then, and maybe on through it: "onwards and upwards" i always say! i'm excited to go to (and accordingly dress up for) the lpo concert tonight. it will be nice to attend a concert that i don't already expect to sound like a chromatic atom bomb.

until my next entry of sensationalized musings and grammatical bastardization-
adieu.

but try as i might, sometimes you just take my breath away

oh lovely day, how you please me so. today started out freezing and miserable. then, a "A" informative speech and a lunch with my special lady later, things are looking up. i have one more class (and that extra credit quiz) to tackle before more studying and housing cleaning but i will carry on with the anticipation of that knock on my door that will so wonderfully cap off my evening.

mmmmm...happiness.

i received a text from a friend about a shooting at western kentucky today. thankfully, it was only a confirmed report of shots with no injuries but it is definitely a little scary when it hits that close to home. i hope they catch the individual soon.

nothing much to say right now other than it's almost the weekend which is nice. i have an accounting exam friday that makes me nervous. i must say, being clad in my suit for my speech today, i found accounting a bit more engaging. perhaps i'll break out a suit jacket for all following exams...

we viewed the marcel duchamp film "anemic cinema" in my film class today. it is the epitome of a dadaist film. should i conceal the fact that i loved it?


peace and love, kids